Origins...

"But Why Scotland??"

People here always seem confused as to why on earth someone would move to Scotland from Canada..

I get that... but I always underestimate the scope of their surprise, especially when I tell them I came here for the weather.. 

Obviously, they've never spent an April in Prince George:

Origins of a foreign invader...

Whenever I meet someone new, there is a brief awkward moment where they try to discover if I'm American.. or something else.. It's one of my favourite games, because there are very few safe ways for them to approach this question. 

"The Direct Approach"

One of those ways is actually quite obvious: I call it "The Direct Approach". Every once in a while, someone surprises me with "so, what country are you from?".
I say "Canada", and they tell me about their relatives in Toronto. 

 I always feel bad having to point out that Toronto is as close to Vancouver as London is to Moscow, and although scant in comparison with this cramped little island, Canada still has a population upwards of 30million, most of which live in Toronto.. It feels like a polite way of saying “you’re an idiot, of course I don’t know your bloody relative”.. 


Instead, I have decided to take a different approach. Why shouldn’t I know their relatives in Toronto?? So now, I respond with “Jerry McCormack… Jerry.. Hmm.. Toronto you say?.. oh Jerry!! Toronto!! Of course!! I think I might know him! Jerry! With the cousins in Scotland! Here, write down his address and I will send him a postcard! He’ll be delighted to know we ran into each other! Can you imagine? All the way across the ocean?? Small world I say.. small, small world.” 

So now, I try to get contact info from everyone that tells me about their Canadian Cousins. I have begun writing them in a notebook, and in December this year, I plan to send postcards to all of these people, saying "Season's Greetings! I ran into your cousin Mary in Glasgow a while back, and she mentioned that you were related! Small world! Isn't that awesome?? Anyhow, I thought I'd stay in touch.. all the best from me and Mary!"  

The fun part will be seeing how many of them write back. Hahahha.. 

what.

No, I am NOT a stalker. piss off.

“Just Fishing”

The second approach is what I like to refer to as "Just Fishing" This is when people try to steer the conversation in a certain way in the hopes that I will just randomly blurt out my nationality. I do actually, randomly blurt out my nationality.. sometimes.. when I am feeling friendly.. other times, I make a game of dragging it out as long as I can to see if they will finally snap and ask, or just give up and stop trying. Politeness at its best. This can go for hours.. even days with the right person. 

“Oh isn’t that a lovely accent…”

 “my cousin from Chicago was visiting last summer…” 

 

You'd think that Canadians have a habit of beheading people who call them Yanks.. Don't be silly!         

 We'd just feed the presumptive bastard to a bear or a mountain lion..      

      

 Or a moose!

Mooses are HUUUUUUGE.

"Oops! - Run!!"

This brings us to those reckless types that just assume I am American.. that doesn't always go very well.. it really depends on my mood at the time. I call this the "oops - run!" approach. Often, this conversation takes the form of them asking me what part of America I am from.. that one I let slide most of the time, as Canada is part of America.. but I know they mean the US.. so if I'm grumpy, I'll just start assuming they're English.. 

"So what brings you to Scotland?"  

"..But you don’t LOOK Scottish.." 

What Scottish People Look Like

"so.. that’s a London accent eh? Kinda like Michael Caine.."

Cockney Bad-Ass

...but you don’t sound like Sean Connery..

Sean Connery..

And I’d know the difference!

 Of course.. then we have the wildcards that think I’m from somewhere – else. 

Seriously:

“This weather must be such an adjustment after the warmth of Australia!”

“yes, I had to buy super-long wellyboots and a knit turtleneck for my pet Emu, they’re not used to rain and snow”

It must be my incredible tan.. gets 'em every time.


Last month, a man started a conversation with me by saying:

“So, you are from Greece?”

“Yes. Greece. How did you guess?”

                                          He should be so lucky.. 

Funny thing though.. 9 times out of ten.. this is what they are looking at while we have these conversations:

Hmmm.. what country?... hmmmmmm.....think carefully now... use those finely tuned powers of deduction...

Canadian Man

 "Well it's hush hush while I mush mush
My dog sled made for two
It's cold outside
But ooh what a ride
To the warmth of my igloo
Warm and dry
We'll be sipping on cola and rye
Then I'll bake you an eskimo pie
Your genuine Canadian man..
                                                   - Paul Brandt (Canadian Man)