Easter.. a time for zombies, chocolate and sexual deviance....

I love Easter… It’s one of my favourite holidays..  it's a time for cuddly bunnies, day-long games of hide-and seek, the eating of ham, walls and walls  of supermarket chocolate eggs, and curling up in a cosy chair to read some nice relaxing post-apocalyptic fiction.

It's a time for family and pastels and rabbit stew. It's the sign that the daffodils are going to start dying off, but that means fewer frosts.. and this is good for the garden. Easter means that pretty much everyone I know has already had their birthdays, and I'm free and clear of having to remember any important dates until July, when the anniversaries begin.  It's the day when oodles of church-goers put on their flower-printed dresses and straw hats and head to church to do .. er.. whatever it is they do at church on Easter.

Finally, Easter is the celebration of the day that Jesus became a zombie.

You heard me.

A zombie.

Let’s look at the facts now shall we?

Jesus died.
(dead.. checked the vitals.. no juice.. dead)

Joseph of Arithmetic had his body placed into a sealed tomb, so there was no waiting it out, he'd have suffocated if he was still alive in there.  Three days later.. Jesus “rises from the dead” .. now effectively UNdead..  in the tradition of his mummy friend Lazarus and all of the other Ezekiel's zombie Israelite buddies:

Admittedly, my familiarity with the adventures of Jesus and the twelve apostrophes is a bit limited, as I haven’t gotten that far in my graphic bible yet.. but I have the basics.. besides, since he already encouraged them to eat his flesh and drink his blood at an earlier dinner party.. they’re probably all zombies too. 

<shrug> I'm just saying.... 

See?

In fact, all these zombie bites may just be the reason Jesus became undead later come to think of it.
Look at 'em! eek!

This guy is my hero.

Now what about that rabbit? 

 According to myth, Eostre (pronounced Easter), a pagan goddess of fertility, menstruation and sexual deviance was inhabiting a bird one wintery day and found that she was too cold. As a solution, she turned it into a rabbit so that she could have a warm furry coat. We can presume that she stopped inhabiting the bird-come-rabbit at some point, but for some reason, none of the legends mention that part.

Come spring.. that rabbit laid eggs (it had been a bird after all) .. Followers of Oestre would search for these eggs, easily distinguished by their bright colours. presumably they were plentiful, you know how rabbits are...  Legend had it that anyone who ate these eggs would be fertile... and probably a sexual deviant.
(we'll leave the menstruating alone for now..)

Rabbits, very religious little pagans, also worship Oestre: ever since that fateful winter.. rabbits have been cursed with a propensity for sexual deviance themselves, and they constantly experiment, trying to reenact that epic moment when a bird and a rabbit created an egg together: 

Not just chickens though.. remember, despite their cute exterior, rabbits total sexual deviants:

Rabbits... Nature's little Rapists..

That cat on the left is DEFINITELY not consenting.. 

 

Of course, it's not just sexual deviance that the rabbits have inherited, they are also VERY fertile.

So what does this bizarre goddess and her furry fornicating friends have to do with undead Jesus? no idea. Timing perhaps? who knows.
(seriously.. if you know.. feel free to add a comment.. )

 Well, rabbits, chickens, fertility and sexual deviance..  plus zombies, mummies and the eating of flesh.. AND heaps of chocolate and brightly coloured candy..

How can you NOT like Easter?

Okay... sometimes the combinations
aren't exactly ideal:   

 Seriously.. that's a real person.. I think he may have been PAID to dress like that in public.. which means it's not just the idea of one demented man.. but possibly an entire MARKETING TEAM..

these are the days...

I wonder if he got to keep the outfit?

 HAPPY EASTER!!!!

"Don't go to church on SundayDon't get on my knees to prayDon't memorize the books of the BibleI got my own special wayBut I know Jesus loves meMaybe just a little bit moreI fall on my knees every SundayAt Zerelda Lee's candy storeWell it's got to be a chocolate JesusMake me feel good insideGot to be a chocolate JesusKeep me satisfied."

                           -Tom Waits,  "Chocolate Jesus"